Maybe you are a victim of child molestation or some other horrendous experience since you have no ability to hear through your hate. Your confusion is far above my ability to help you perhaps because you are so unwilling. Throwing everything together into a mish mash is a ridiculous basis for sorting things out. Talk your talk to somebody that can help you. It's not a shameful thing to ask someone to help you with an apparent mental illness. Sorry I couldn't help you.