Your article proves at least one thing to me: Teenagers aren't the only cynical people in the world! The Classic Hymns you refer to were once the target of the same complaints you have about modern hymns. MerriamWebster.com has these definitions of "hymn" - song of praise to God, a metrical composition adapted for singing in a religious service, a song of praise or joy, something resembling a song of praise. You have your personal tastes but no reason to denigrate others' preferences. Anyways, here is one of my favorites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXsxw1fRHMA